Processing Pet Loss Amidst Parental Estrangement

Exploring the difficult journey of cutting ties and finding healing in parental estrangement

Making the difficult decision to go no-contact with family is never easy. A remarkable 27% of American adults reported cutting off contact with at some point with at least one member of their family, according to the Newport Institute’s report titled “Parental Estrangement: Can the Family Heal After Adult Children Divorce Their Parents?”

Despite this high percentage, “few studies have examined the complicated roots and consequences of estrangement, especially sibling cutoffs,” as Psychology Today discussed in its February 19th article on “Statistics That Tell the Story of Family Estrangement.”

Adult children can experience challenges when spending time with parents or other family members, finding the experience emotionally draining. In such scenarios, individuals often attempt to balance maintaining a connection with their families while understanding their boundaries, sometimes for the first time.

Some adult children may choose a more extreme measure known as parental estrangement, distancing themselves from their parents and even other family members as necessary. The Newport Institute defines parental estrangement as the “physical and emotional distancing from a parent.” It often, but not always, results from “a conscious choice by [the] adult child.”

The Newport Institute further explains that many reasons for cutting off parents involve “trauma, attachment wounds, miscommunication, or unhealthy dynamics. These experiences are often cumulative and can end in a “straw that broke the camel’s back” moment where the adult child decides they’ve had enough.”

As such, the decision is seldom straightforward, as parental estrangement can stem from various reasons. Instances involving enduring abuse or trauma inflicted by a parent may lead adults to make the difficult but necessary choice of “divorcing their parents” for their emotional safety and well-being.

Psychological researchers have largely ignored the entire area of sibling relationships since the field, and even less research has gone into the impacts of losing access to one’s elderly childhood pet when you cut off your family. The knowledge they could pass at any moment, but checking on them would mean breaking the already fragile boundaries is a pain hardly ever discussed but known by so many.

I have been experiencing this anticipatory grief of the loss of my family dog for some time, but the knowledge that her 14th birthday is coming up next month was like a punch to the gut. I will have no way of knowing when her last day will be or if I will ever get to see her again.

The “little gremlin,” as we lovingly call the feisty, black maltese-shih zu mix we named Onyx, came into our lives when I was eighteen. Onyx had been there through every milestone of my adult life. Knowing I will most likely not be there for her on her last days fills me with a deep sadness that I can’t fix but must learn to accept.

Grieve in your own way, reflect on the reasons behind your boundaries, and hold onto hope for peace and healing. You’ll never convince yourself it was worth all that you missed, but take hope in the knowledge that your beloved pet would want you to have that peace, even if they can’t fully understand.

While the decision is difficult, accepting your reasons for seeking peace and healing on your terms can be essential to emotional well-being and potential reconciliation. The Newport Institute reminds us that “parental estrangement can be reconciled if all parties are open and willing to work honestly and authentically to repair the damage.”

Key Message: Choosing to cut contact with your family is never easy, especially knowing that the emotional toll extends beyond the family member in question.